Point one: My cousin, Carli, graduated from high school! I'm super proud of her for this huge accomplishment. The auditorium where the graduation ceremony was held had, I guess what you would call standard size seating which was fine... If you were a standard size. Sitting in one for any amount of time is quite discomforting. It squeezes all your fat together as your fat protests in anger by pushing on the very solid, very firm sides causing pain and bruising and in some rare (and special) occasions when your pants aren't cooperating and you sit down it pinches. Then as you sit, if you're anything like me, you watch as people sit down and lean back with plenty of room on both sides like its nothing new. I have to sit on the edge of the seat (Which is the only place I will "fit") and back my way until I'm on the seat enough that I feel like I'm encased like a sardine. And backing in doesn't help! I sometimes feel like I need a beeper on me like the kind trucks and big vehicles have so when they back up it can warn people in the vicinity that a wide body is backing up! Then once you're "comfortable" you sit there for however long feeling oober self conscious about the the fat that is spilling over the sides of the chair trying to find room in an altogether uncomfortable situation. And all the time this is going on you are also afraid to look around for fear that you might see that some is looking -no- gawking at you and laughing at your uncomfortable humiliation. When it ends and you're finally allowed to stand you have to do some weird twisty slide stand-up movement to dislodge from the 4 sizes to small seat letting your fat reposition itself in what it feels is a comfortable position as you struggle not to openly rub the sides of your hips that hurt from the pressure of the sides of the chair.
Point two: Eating in public! Not the greatest thing to do. Being as self conscious as I am, I don't typically like going to public places, ESPECIALLY restaurants, mainly because I am thinking that the other patrons are watching me silently guessing what I'm going to stuff my faced with this time, or wagering how much I'm going to eat. I sometimes do catch glimpses of that poor-girl-weighs-a-ton pity look or the eww-that-girl-weighs-a-ton grossed out look. I've gotten used to it over the years I get it all the time, the snickers, the stares, the not-so-silent comments. I tell people it doesn't bother me, jerks will be jerks, but it does, not as much as it used too by any means but it does. I hold onto those comments and looks like they are a virus slowly but steadily chipping away at my already withering self esteem.
Point three: The aches and the pain. My entire body is in a constant state of ache. Whether it's lying in bed at night or sitting at my desk or walking from place to place. It sucks! It takes me about 30-45 minutes to get comfortable when I'm going to bed, and it doesn't help that I can't sleep lying completely horizontal like everyone else. I have to sleep sitting up or propped up enough that my fat doesn't suffocate me while I sleep at night. Then I kinda toss and turn which causes me to slide down slightly so I have to slide to the end of my bed, get off, turn around, and climb back on my bed reposition the pile of pillows (5) and blankets (3) well enough to the lean up against them in a hopefully comfortable position and try to go back to sleep. Usually this happens 2 or 3 sometimes 4 times during the night and when I wake up my back is aching and sore and even the tiniest of movements sends a very sharp pain from my lower back to my head. I wake up with a headache 4 nights out of the week sometimes more. It doesn't typically last that long, sometimes if it is particularly throbbing it takes up too 2 hours for it to go away. Other times it feels like my head is pounding in time with the beat of my heart keeping a steady rhythm with the pumping of my blood. Those don't usually last more then 10 minutes. Then there are the times I have to readjust in bed because I thought I would be comfortable in one position but as I lay there in that position my legs start to ache, moving them around in hopes to get the feeling to go away, (The same thing happens when I'm sitting at my desk.) it doesn't and because I was moving my legs around, it no longer is comfortable how I'm laying and I have to slide to the end of the bed just to turn around and crawl back to the corner I perch myself in and try to make myself more comfortable. And then because I sleep sitting up in the corner, the mattress gets pushed out from the wall and my pillows and blankets get wedged between the mattress and wall so I normally have to pull them out every other night.
One day I'm not going to take up so much space. It's a daily struggle that I face alone because I'm too embarrassed to tell people what is really going on or what is on my mind or how I'm feeling. So this is my attempt to change that, you will get a glimpse of the thoughts and feelings running through my mind as I come to terms and get a grasp on dealing with life as a fat girl.
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